When it comes to having a loved one in addiction, it’s all the lying that can make us start feeling crazy!!!
All the freaking lies they tell, lies they don’t even have to tell.
There are so many times where you scratch your head going, “Why did they even lie about that, I wouldn’t have even cared if they told me the truth.”
There are a few different reasons why they do this. The main one is it’s a great tactic to shrug off and not notice the lies they don’t want you to know about.
Sure, they know you don’t believe anything they have to say for the most part, which makes it all that much easier to hide the truths they really want to hide from you. Every now and then, they throw in the truth just to throw you off their scent for a minute. It can drive you crazy.
What can you do about it? Most of us in this situation spend so much time and energy fighting their lying, trying to prove to them and yourself that they are lying. We go into detective mode and micromanage their world so they “don’t get away with it.”That is so much energy, it’s exhausting.
Not to mention all the judgment, anger, and resentment that comes along with our detective work. O, we will find out the truth, but it never makes us feel any better. You are never going to get them to stop the lying charade. Most of the time, that is what people are looking for, solutions to lying problem that revolve around asking “How do I get them to stop lying.” The answer is, YOU DON’T.
I get it, that is not the answer you want to hear. So, you have some choices from here. You can keep on doing what you’re doing, and continuing to seek out the answer of how to get them to stop lying? You can keep doing your detective work in your quest to find the truth and continue to end up angry, resentful, lonely, and defeated.
OR
You can figure out how you are going to live your life peacefully, happily, and compassionately despite what they are lying about. Maybe even sleep better at night. Wouldn’t that be nice?!
And how exactly are we supposed to do that?
For starters, it will require some inner work on your part. DAMMIT!!!!! I know. I get it. And again, you have choices. It’s ok if you want to keep doing what you are doing.
The question you have to ask yourself is “are you ok with how you are feeling right now about your life and the direction you are going?” If the answer is no, and you desperately want to change how you are feeling, then keep reading.
One of the first things I tell people to do in these situations is figure out who you can talk to about this stuff. Most of the time I have found, it’s not other family members. Sometimes it is, most of the time they have their own judgment anger and resentments going on and they can’t help us. As a matter of fact, it seems they just add fuel to the fire.
Stop talking to the people who can’t help you. People can’t give you what they don’t have themselves. Find people that have what you want and talk to them. They don’t have to fully understand what you are going through in order to help you be loving, compassionate, and caring towards yourself. And that is what you need.
It’s not personal. It feels personal, we take it personally, and it’s not personal. We strive so hard to create a safe place for them so they can feel safe in telling us the truth. We beg them to just be honest. We swear we won’t be upset by anything they say as long as they are upfront. And so, when they continue to do it, we ask ourselves, what did I do wrong? Why am I not good enough for them to tell me the truth? What can I do better? Find people that can help ground you in remembering it’s not personal.
Expectations are premeditated resentments: I have found this to be true time and time again. Sometimes I swear I don’t have expectations, and then expectations I don’t even realize I have are not met, and boom, resentment. Ugh. Time and time again, they show us they aren’t ready to tell the truth, about anything. And yet, we still continue to get mad when they lie. We know they are going to lie; they have a pattern of lying; we already don’t believe anything they say, and yet, we still get surprised and mad when they lie. How frustrating that can be for us.
Bottom line: if you are resentful, judgmental, angry, exhausted, lonely, fearful, ashamed, and sick and tired of being sick and tired, it’s time to find some people in your life that can really help you. You can feel happy again. You can live your life the way you want to. You can support them, have compassion and feel love for them again. It comes down to this. The willingness to work on those little emotional trigger buttons they keep hitting in you. Luckily, we get to choose how we feel. We just may not always have all the tools and resources we have at the present moment to achieve that goal. If we knew how to do it on our own, we would have already done it.
If you are ready to live the life you want to live, maybe it’s time to reach out to someone that can help. This is what I want you to do, right now before you lose the willingness, send me an email with the subject line, “We need to talk!” In the body, just say, I read your blog about lying and I want to talk more. From there we will schedule a call and we will talk more about what I have to offer to help you through this journey and live the life you want to live.
Here is my email address: jennifer@maneelyconsulting.co
Looking forward to hearing from you!
